lmao
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.