lmao
You Might Also Like
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Florida be like…
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
So inspired right now.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*