lmao馃槶馃ぃ
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girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
You don鈥檛 realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people鈥檚 children
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
You鈥檇 think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Why couldn鈥檛 the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i鈥檚.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I think my wife鈥檚 angry with me but it鈥檚 hard to tell coz she鈥檚 pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.