lmao😭🤣
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I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
what day is it?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.