Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

Yes 😂

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.