Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t