Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

Godspeed, John Glenn

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.