lmaošš¤£
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for a small fee iāll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Edward norton: whatās your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad š
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
They just announced step away from the windows at OāHare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to āthrillā them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: Butā¦butā¦
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Her: Iām an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she āliterally diedā, I have so many questions.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Itās been a good 12 months for dogs
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi