lmao馃槶馃ぃ
You Might Also Like
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn鈥檛 this shovel working?
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Oops I deleted….
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Me: I鈥檓 only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That鈥檚 good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Batman: what鈥檚 your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where鈥檇 the nerd go
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that鈥檚 shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There鈥檚 enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES