Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.