Lmao 😁
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If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.