Lmao 😁
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Gemma Correll
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Oh my god
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
