Lmao 😁
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“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children