Lmao 😁
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[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi