Lmao 😁
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Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i