Lmao 😁
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[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.