Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

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The Chosen Phew

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.