Lmao 😁
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*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.