Lmao 😁
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Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you