Lmao 🤣
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A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall