Lmao
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ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH