Lmao
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ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat