Lmao
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Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
A ghost story
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
