Lmao
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me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.