Lmao
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If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
HERE’S MARKY
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Peace was never an option
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I think about this a lot
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I’m already scared
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.