Lmao
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I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.