Lmao
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Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
😾
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*