LMAO
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A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”