LMAO
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I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
This kid is a star!
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Getting married soon just need a spouse
mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers