lmao
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Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.