lmao
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Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent