Lmao
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
No chill.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life