Lmao
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My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Google Pay be like:
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING