Lmao
You Might Also Like
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
scares
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.