Lmao
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Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.