Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

Perfection.

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.