Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no