Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning