Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

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jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.