Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

ACED my prostate exam!

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…