lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
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If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸