Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

😬

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.