lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
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Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Its a hippotatomus
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.