lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
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“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.