lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
You Might Also Like
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
North and South
don’t be scared
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*