Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
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Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids