Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
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Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.