Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”![]()
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My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
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I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
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I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Last-minute gift idea!
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SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.