Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]