Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
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[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.