lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
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Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
kitchen magnet
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
At least he brought enough for everyone
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him