Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

do u think theres a butter planet?

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.