Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
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911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.