Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
#StillHurts
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”