Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

Matt Goss

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!