Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
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Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Taliband
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!