“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
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My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
The Compass
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.