@caitiedelaney

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

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@Ygrene

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

@PhilLaysheO

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

@SlabBaconBP

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

@Douchekevin

Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won’t work.

I was married for 6 years.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

@DanKaszeta

OK. There’s several layers of fun to be had with this screen shot.

@JukeJointJesse

Just logged into Facebook instead of Twitter and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.

@iwearaonesie

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

@realHamOnWry

Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.