“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
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“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
i spent way too long on this
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
When can I start eating bats again.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.