“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
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I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Just added something to my bucket list.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz