“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.