Lmao 馃榿
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I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I鈥檓 over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Follow me on instagram here!
It won鈥檛 all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I didn鈥檛 even know this was an option. Considering it.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Because I鈥檓 on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you鈥檙e in absolutely no danger whatsoever
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
True?
Kids are away so I鈥檓 taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
im all 3
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago