Lmao 😁
You Might Also Like
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
me linking you to my twitter
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Whisper out to librarians!