Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.