Lmaoo 😂
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Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.