Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.