Lmaoo 😂
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Good morning.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Pickled cat.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u