Lmaoo 😂
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Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
*files a restraining order against reality*
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse