Lmaoo 😂
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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
accurate
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*