Lmaoo 😂
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Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
a lot to unpack here
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*