Lmaoo 馃槀
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Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it鈥檚 important to leave the house sometimes (because it鈥檚 the only way you鈥檒l see a dachshund puppy)
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don鈥檛 show up.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I鈥檓 sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they鈥檙e drunk
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I鈥檓 giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Me: I鈥檓 very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*