Lmaoo 😂
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I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I love it
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I think they could have phrased this better
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?