Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
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A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.