Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
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“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Stick it to the man
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
due date
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend