Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

Blew my mind.

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice