Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
This is always good for a laugh.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*