Lmaooo she has seen it allπππππππππππ
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Me: βYes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!β
Friend: βDonβt you mean stable?β
Me: βDefinitely not! I donβt even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.β
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
my neighbors have set up a little βbear huntβ game by putting teddy bears in their windows. Iβve shot five so far
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation Iβve been on in 4 years.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and youβre all βoh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???β
What religious people say: βI have you in my prayers.β
What non-religious people hear: βIβm trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.β
Iβve been singing βitβs the most wonderful time of the yearβ to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word βLetβsβ.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
βI didnβt choose the thug lifeβ¦β I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Exorcist: Iβm here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didnβt call you
Demon: I did
To the woman a booth over who said βThereβs nothing worse than cold toast!β
I want your life.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
Thatβs how Iβm handling adulthood.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, Iβve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, Iβm not taking homework assignments from you.
No I donβt want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Iβm so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I donβt like any of the current presidential candidates
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
jeff bezos: i donβt like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earthβs resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
self care is telling yourself you didnβt hit the curb, the curb hit you
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say βdonβt worry about it, just come homeβ but instead I said βdonβt forget the ice.β
The new deodorant I bought doesnβt tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. Iβm a ticking time bomb over here.