Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

Breaking news:

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.