Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!