Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1543380788900556800/pu/vid/406x720/YPJLB-jXFAA9FuPF.mp4?tag=12

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”