Lmaooo she has seen it allπππππππππππ
You Might Also Like
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. π
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
adding to the discourse
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Donβt tell me. Is it 4?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain weβll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that sheβs fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could βfeel the polka dotsβ if youβre wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Iβm not saying Iβve gained weight, Iβm just saying I donβt think my belt buckle should be facing the groundβ¦
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.