Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
*feels the wind in my toe hair
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.