lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
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Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
that de-escalated quickly
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Never mess with a drunken pig.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.