lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Doormats are a gateway rug.